My dad suggested I register for a donor card - he's a man after my own heart.

— Masai Graham / 2016

I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.

— Olaf Falafel / 2022

La mamma dei cretini è sempre incinta.

— Italian proverb

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

— Benny Hill

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

— Bob Monkhouse

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. 'What are you doing here with that hammer?'

— Lee Mack

'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy.

— Richard Herring

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilisation in between.

— Oscar Wilde

Wherever my dad is now, he's looking down on me...not because he's dead, but because he's very condescending.

— Jack Whitehall

Australian rescued after weeks in Malaysian jungle had set out to find himself.

— Daily Telegraph headline 16/11/01